Cats Have a Secret Agenda! – Noli Timere Messorem

Here is the shocking truth!

While many of us believe that we are responsible for the domestication of the house cat, this could not be further from the truth. New evidence has caused us to reassess existing archeological finds and ancient lore, turning our previous beliefs upside down.

Assyrian experiment with the first Cat Lady. Model was scrapped in favor of more nimble digits.

When Princess Fluffypants purrs while being petted, yowls for fish treats, scratches when angry, or presents her rectum in disdain – she is training you. When she pees on the belongings of your first partner or snuggles with the newest one, she is selecting your breeding for desireable traits. And her own ancestors have been working on this program for aeons.

Depiction of a lion in ancient Greece reinforcing that pants will be required for all domesticated primates

Our cats, fluffy companions of humanity since our earliest ancestors first picked up tools, have been working together on a global project to domesticate Homo Sapiens. The apparent goal of this project is to create the perfect Ape Butler. We have been selectively bred for traits that increase our usefulness to our feline creators.

Ancient Egyptian Priestess of Bast instructing on the preparation of linen string for cat toys.

Our ancient Egyptian ancestors were certainly aware of this, and we have ample evidence of the reverence they gave to those they recognized as deities. While the cats prefer to see themselves as simple scientists or hobbyists, they have been quite willing to accept divinity as a route to directed breeding for specific traits. Populations have been very effectively controlled with the assistance of rodent populations throughout this period.

Ancient Greek architecture that featured prominent scratching posts on public buildings.

The current status of this very long term project is extremely positive. The development of increasingly appealing cuisine and the advancement in packaging has made treats available over a much wider area. Fish can be found far inland thanks to canning. Agricultural advances have resulted in much more potent strains of catnip, and many new varieties of cat grass. Industry makes more complex and elaborate cat trees available worldwide.

Culturally, the Era of the Cat is dawning. The globalization of information and culture has resulted in cult worship spreading worldwide. Cat memes are increasing and cat oriented entertainment improves daily.

Modern laboratory where primate behavioral modification is being intensively tested. Branded as “Cat Cafes” and “Cat Hotels”, these sites are expanding globally with excellent results.

Biologically, we are seeing a massively increased response to the purr and opposable thumbs in our servants are a huge success. There remains some debate about whether the loss of foot thumbs was a positive advancement.

Have no doubt, our civilization is not a result of ancient aliens – it has been fully directed by cats. Unless, of course, the cats actually arrived here from another planet.